That moment Baby Hulk was born, before anyone said anything. That moment when they plopped him on my chest and he looked up at me. I saw his eyes and saw the down syndrome and I was terrified. I thought no, he can't be, this isn't how things are supposed to happen. Now I look at my sweet perfect baby boy and feel so guilty that instead of the instant love and tears of joy that are supposed to happen, I looked into his beautiful eyes and thought "no". I looked him in the eyes and thought that! Now I can't help but ruin my wonderful moments with him. I am kissing his chunky cheeks and he does his little half smirk half smile face and I can see in his eyes that he loves me and I feel soooo guilty that I thought that way, that I felt that way, when we first met face to face.
I wonder what other people who should have had downs babies think when they see children with down syndrome? I shouldn't be feeling guilty. Do you know why I do have a downs baby? Why I was surprised by it? I refused the testing. I didn't want it. If there was the chance of something being wrong I didn't want to know. I didn't even want the to have the thought of terminating the pregnancy. Sure I didn't have any risk factor so it honestly didn't even cross my mind that he would have any issues, but just as I did in my previous pregnancies I didn't have the testing because while I am pro-choice, I think everyone should make their own choice and my choice, I could never have an abortion, but if I knew something was wrong, who knows where my mind would go. But I know in the end I would keep the baby no matter what so just thinking about terminating would be like 1,000x worse than it was looking into those eyes and thinking "no".
And do you know what? Those eyes are now another thing to add to the list of perfection! (DOOM!!!!!) Today Momma Pru came over to watch the big boys and Darling Husband and I loaded Baby Hulk into my car, Selina Excalibur Ladytron , and we drove up to fancy schmancy rich people Bellevue, to see a special ophthalmologist. She gave him a very thorough eye exam, dilated pupils and all, and determined he was perfect! 50% of people with down syndrome have some sort of eye problem, cataracts, a lazy eye, cross eyed. I just knew this was the doom appointment! I have the WORST EYES EVER!!!! Seriously, my feather weight glasses lenses are still 1/4 inch thick. I have hardcore coke bottle lenses. I am not even exaggerating here! I am just like one point away from being declared legally blind. So I just knew between the 50% and the 99% chances of downs and genetics this appointment was sure to result in doom. Not only did it not result in doom, the doctor told us his tracking ability and over all eye control was better than most babies his age, down syndrome or not! I had actually even wondered about that because he almost never goes all cross eyes like Lumpy and Mr. Grey did as babies. I am soooo excited!!!!
I would like to go back to the thoughts of terminating a pregnancy because you find out baby has downs. Back to those people who should have a downs baby. Shocking fact here for you. 90% of people who find out through early testing, that their baby has downs, terminate the pregnancy! 90%!!! This is amazing to me. I thought there were a LOT more pro-life people out there than that... or do the pro-life people somehow just not produce chromosomaly fancy (why yes I did just make that up) babies? I was amazed by this! I feel like people just aren't educated enough about down syndrome and how much better it is now than it was even just 30 years ago for people who have it! And look at Baby Hulk! He is AMAZING!!! I am sorry for those people. It is scary, but it is an exciting adventure we are going through with Baby Hulk of beating the odds!
Meet Baby Hulk